The Adventures of a Quitter

57 hours and 42 minutes.

That is how long ago my DH and I gave our cigarettes to God- our Lenten sacrifice. DH is doing rather well. He doesn't feel withdrawl, just a random irritation at the loss of the hand to mouth thing. He also doesn't understand how this ride feels to someone who is physically addicted to the chemicals, mentally addicted to the enforced break times and the overall "happy" associations with this now forbidden activity.

58 hours and 27 minutes.

I went outside and did garden work to help get past another craving. Two different children came out and asked if I was imagining the grass clumps as Daddy's head.... No, not at all. I am trying to keep my head clear, free of any thoughts. I am safe that way, no reminders of what desperately want, and yet so strongly DON'T want. I want to succeed.

We fought last night, over something stupid. When it was over, he apologized. But it seems the effects of it carried over to today. It seems DH thought I was imagining the clumps were his head, and shared it with the kids. LOL Perhaps he has very good reason for thinking this way. ;-) But, his head is safe. I do not want to dwell on what upsets me. I want to get through it, past all the struggles.

58 hours and 40 minutes.

Matthew 4, verses 1-11

For 40 days and nights, Jesus was in the desert, fasting and praying. The first thing the Devil tempted Jesus with was food! Jesus was strong, and I shall be too! I am pretty sure that fasting and praying in the desert was not an easy thing for Jesus. I do not expect it to be easy for me to quit a 20 year addiction.

Don't belittle my hard work, and the things my children are also enduring, by telling me that I should smoke, rather then yell at my children in my fits of withdrawl. My children and I have talked, they will be ok with some yelling, if it means I will live to see them grow up and start their own families. We all would rather go through this 1 time, all together, then to keep "attempting" and failing. It will only be bad like this for a little bit longer... I promise.

59 hours 23 minutes.

I want a smoke after every meal. I want one after I worked hard on something. I want one when I am frazzled. I want one while I am tending the laundry. I want one approximately every hour, from waking to dark. I want one to keep me from yelling at the kids. I want one because I am bored. I want one because I am on the phone....

Off to go dig past this...

60 hours.

Praise the Lord!!! I can get through these cravings, I can defy Satan and his ever decieving lies. I can get this devil off my back, and out of my lungs. I LIVE!!!! I will survive!!!! I have friends all over the globe, praying for me and my battle. I have posted my shame for all to see~ Confessing this truth and fighting to make it no longer true for me.

I am NOT a smoker.

I might be a quitter, but I am fighting the most important battle in my life~ and I intend to win with God's help.