Learning to be more feminine in a feminist world

Growing up, I remember the day I refused to ever wear another dress. I also remember when pink was no longer something I would own, touch, or wear. I decided that to get by in this world, it was safer to be the tom boy, than it was to mess with all that frippery. I had logical reasons for each thing I passed over, but none were the real reason. It took me a very long time of healing, growing, and learning to understand what my childish mind couldn't grasp.

I was born in the late 70's, and that was a BIG time in the Feminist Movement. Young women around the country were standing up and fighting for the ability to be valued as equals. They were burning bras to snub their noses at percieved female bondage. They were able and willing to work beside the men, and be paid fairly for the same work.

Those ideas were GREAT! YES! We are human too, and deserve to be treated fairly. I was once so proud of how far women had come and that I would be priveledged to figure out what path my life would take. I could go to college and become a teacher or a doctor. I could get back to the earth and become a farmer. I could get married and have a family, or I could stay single and do something else.

I wrote stories with chapters about those future imaginings. I loved the possibilities ahead of me. When asked what I wanted to become when I grew up, my first answer was always "Be a mommy". This was never a good enough answer. The adults would scrunch up their eyebrows in a concerned way, "Oh that's a good expectation, but what ELSE do you want to be?" I would tell them that I wanted to be a doctor or a teacher, and they would smile and pat me on the head.

Time went by, bad things happened to me, and to others around me. These incidents would shape my young mind into my perceptions about life. I graduated high school, and went to apprentice at a machine shop. Surely this was a good SOLID job for a woman in today's world. I was let go after a few months, a machine shop and my disabilities were not a good mix. I went into fast food, working for several popular food chains. At one point, I had 3 jobs in the food industry. Answering the drive through at 2am with the phone spiel from the pizza place was not one of my best moments.

By this point, I was aware that college was a pipe dream. I had no way to pay for the astronomical tuition fees for the carreer choices ahead of me. I gave up. I made choices I should never have been faced with, and found myself on the streets for 18 months. All those hard learned lessons from childhood kept me safe and alive, but I had to compromise many values and beliefs to stay alive.

Soon, I wanted to get back on track. I gave up the drugs, I got a job in sales. I went door to door selling things, to make my piddly 2 dollars of each item. This kept me out of trouble and fed long enough to get my head straight. Over the next few years, I found love, moved many times, got pregnant, got married, and suddenly found myself doing all the work of a single parent, and working too. One good fight, and I was on my own.

That was fine, in my mind. "Anything a man can do, I can do better" became my new mantra. I got a good job, and 90 days later, got an even better one. It took some time, but it all came together. I was working, and supporting me and my baby. Within 3 years, that had to change though. My second child was born with the same disability as me and my first, and I had lost my childcare. I could not find a SINGLE daycare that could take in my special needs children.

This is when I HAD to become a stay at home mom. I had NO clue how hard that would be. It drained me, daily. The massive amounts of medical needs, the teaching, training, housework, budget, meals... it was all overwhelming!! I hadn't been taught this. It had not been considered important, because my life would have a different path.

If all of that wasn't overwhelming and daunting enough, I was introduced to the perceptions of the Stay at Home Mom. Somehow, this most feminine of occupations, had become similar to a dirty word!! Not only that, but I had managed to fall into an even more looked down upon position... a Single Mom. How I wish I knew then what I knew now. I have grown so much since those dark days.

When did being feminine (wearing a dress, acting like a lady, and loving the children) become wrong? I do not have to be a man. I do not have to act like a man. I do not have to go work in the mines, factories, offices, or other business. I cherish the thought of more children. I cherish my time with my children, even if the chores are many and the pay is immeasureable. When was it wrong to WANT to grow up, get married, and have family? When did it become the standard that ALL women are burdened by their biology, that they must fight it and conform to what someone else percieves as "the perfect life"?

These days, I am struggling to wear my hair down a little more often, to wear a dress or skirt when I would prefer long pants to hide my scars. I am choosing less "manly" clothing, smells, and stances. It's a battle. I do not feel "Safe" doing this... but I am working on undoing that old brainwashing. I am a woman. I am beautiful, delicate, and do NOT have to do it all by myself. I can, but I know that I do not have to. I will continue to learn to be more feminine in this fiminist world.