Peaceful Parenting

Peaceful Parenting.
What do you think about when you hear these words?

Do you imagine the home in Leave it to Beaver, where the mom is happily preparing dinner and the closest to angry you ever see is this sad look of disappointment or worried surprise?

Do you imagine children that never get into trouble, or maybe children who never fight and bicker?

Perhaps instead, you see a parent quiet and patiently on top of all the chaos going on around them, gently guiding and teaching at all the right moments.

The first scenario is wonderfully heartwarming, and yet, if you ask anyone, it is not what their life looks like. Maybe here and there in brief glimpses, but not all day long. Especially since we did not get to see those 2 parents with toddlers and 5 year olds. I am sure they had some major parenting growth, before they became that peaceful and sure in their parenting. It is a great source of inspiration to me though.

The second scenario is unrealistic. No matter HOW you parent, children will test boundries (and the lack of them) often. People living together in the same household will have times they get on each others nerves, or get feisty and want to provoke a lively debate. The idea here is to teach respect, courtesy, and personal space, and give them the communication skills to talk things out, rather than accuse and defend.

The third scenario is an inspiration to watch in progress. The children learn about life hands on, with guidence. They look to their parents as their mentors, their masters (think apprenticeship, not slavery), they are able to learn several lessons at once, through things they themselves experience, and by watching what is going on with others around them. Natural consequences sometimes teach the same lesson that yelling and screaming and physical punishments just can't teach.

Natural consequences some times happen in the blink of an eye, and other times take many days to come to a head. In order for that to work though, a parent has to be patient. To allow for the "what happens if I don't" every now and then.  Then, when it does finally come about, the lesson is gently and kindly laid out in easy to understand steps. This is not easy, but it makes a deeper impression.

What might this look like? What example can I give you? Well, Just today was the Shoe Test.

A certain young lady, whom shall remain unnamed, has the responcibility of the Kitchen Zone right now. Her tasks require her to clean up the "kid mess" that finds it's way into the kitchen, to wash dishes, wipe the counters, and sweep up the floor. Her little brother has 2 pairs of shoes. So when I saw that a lost shoe was oddly located in the kitchen, I began a "Test". How long would that shoe remain in the kitchen before it is found and put away?

5 days later. A glass jar is shattered in the kitchen. (Someone else's Lesson) In cleaning the kitchen floor, I again come across the SHOE. You know, the shoe that we were looking for before another sister's doctor appointment, because the other pair is MIA. (I forgot in the chaos about the Test, but that didn't matter, because here comes the natural consequences part)

You see, I couldn't take a child in the rain to the doctor's office, with no shoes on. I had the young lady watch him at home while we went. He was VERY upset. So later, when the jar shattered and I was cleaning up the mess, I swept up a whole lot of other mess too, things that had not been gotten swept up in several days. I called her into the kitchen, and showed her the shoe. I told her how long it had been in the kitchen and where. I showed her the other mess too. I gently reminded her of the upset little brother.

"But I did look for his lost shoe." Her voice raised in her traditional defensive tone. "I looked in his room and the little girls room and I couldn't find it."

"Yes, you did look for it. I am not saying that you didn't try to find it. What I am saying though, is that you stopped trying when it wasn't easy. What I am also saying is that you didn't do some other tasks completely either, in order for us to have been in this situation today."

She looks real thoughtful for a moment.

"Perhaps what you didn't realize is that this very shoe has been a small test for you. I found it here in the kitchen where it didn't belong 5 days ago. For 5 days when I inspected the kitchen and told you the job was not done, I looked at that shoe and this mess on the kitchen floor still there. I can tell you without looking many of the items in that pile, because I have been looking at them all week."

"No, I didn't realize that until right now. I don't think I passed that test. Now I feel bad for my brother, because he could have gone if I had paid more attention this week, and he wouldn't have cried."

She apologized to her brother, and helped me out by mopping up the well swept floor for me. The mopping was part of a Safety Alert lesson in the kitchen in regards to the glass shards all over the floor. They all learned how to properly clean up and protect the danger area, and how far that area extends. That lesson led later into another discussion, because the glass breaker was story telling and left out how the glass came into the picture.

But you see, I was not angry about any of these events. I don't have to be angry, for the children to learn how to behave.  In fact, if I yell less, and teach to the heart more, these lessons will all last a life time. There are times for a raised voice, there are times for set consequences. Hard work never hurt anyone, and it takes work to repair the damage from poor choices. Anger is a choice, and sometimes, it is a struggle to snuff it out when it sparks up is firey head. That choice will pay off, every single time you choose to not be angry, but instead use the moment to teach a bigger lesson.

Problem solving is ineffective in anger. Communication is difficult in anger. Relationships are impossible to maintain when emotional storms are rampaging around over every little mishap. These little children of ours are people, very small people, who are still learning about everything about them, including how to handle the mistakes and fallicies of those around them. I want to see my children learn to handle things with grace, dignity, and  self control. The best way to teach that, is by modeling it myself.

~Misty