Peaceful Parenting

Peaceful Parenting.
What do you think about when you hear these words?

Do you imagine the home in Leave it to Beaver, where the mom is happily preparing dinner and the closest to angry you ever see is this sad look of disappointment or worried surprise?

Do you imagine children that never get into trouble, or maybe children who never fight and bicker?

Perhaps instead, you see a parent quiet and patiently on top of all the chaos going on around them, gently guiding and teaching at all the right moments.

The first scenario is wonderfully heartwarming, and yet, if you ask anyone, it is not what their life looks like. Maybe here and there in brief glimpses, but not all day long. Especially since we did not get to see those 2 parents with toddlers and 5 year olds. I am sure they had some major parenting growth, before they became that peaceful and sure in their parenting. It is a great source of inspiration to me though.

The second scenario is unrealistic. No matter HOW you parent, children will test boundries (and the lack of them) often. People living together in the same household will have times they get on each others nerves, or get feisty and want to provoke a lively debate. The idea here is to teach respect, courtesy, and personal space, and give them the communication skills to talk things out, rather than accuse and defend.

The third scenario is an inspiration to watch in progress. The children learn about life hands on, with guidence. They look to their parents as their mentors, their masters (think apprenticeship, not slavery), they are able to learn several lessons at once, through things they themselves experience, and by watching what is going on with others around them. Natural consequences sometimes teach the same lesson that yelling and screaming and physical punishments just can't teach.

Natural consequences some times happen in the blink of an eye, and other times take many days to come to a head. In order for that to work though, a parent has to be patient. To allow for the "what happens if I don't" every now and then.  Then, when it does finally come about, the lesson is gently and kindly laid out in easy to understand steps. This is not easy, but it makes a deeper impression.

What might this look like? What example can I give you? Well, Just today was the Shoe Test.

A certain young lady, whom shall remain unnamed, has the responcibility of the Kitchen Zone right now. Her tasks require her to clean up the "kid mess" that finds it's way into the kitchen, to wash dishes, wipe the counters, and sweep up the floor. Her little brother has 2 pairs of shoes. So when I saw that a lost shoe was oddly located in the kitchen, I began a "Test". How long would that shoe remain in the kitchen before it is found and put away?

5 days later. A glass jar is shattered in the kitchen. (Someone else's Lesson) In cleaning the kitchen floor, I again come across the SHOE. You know, the shoe that we were looking for before another sister's doctor appointment, because the other pair is MIA. (I forgot in the chaos about the Test, but that didn't matter, because here comes the natural consequences part)

You see, I couldn't take a child in the rain to the doctor's office, with no shoes on. I had the young lady watch him at home while we went. He was VERY upset. So later, when the jar shattered and I was cleaning up the mess, I swept up a whole lot of other mess too, things that had not been gotten swept up in several days. I called her into the kitchen, and showed her the shoe. I told her how long it had been in the kitchen and where. I showed her the other mess too. I gently reminded her of the upset little brother.

"But I did look for his lost shoe." Her voice raised in her traditional defensive tone. "I looked in his room and the little girls room and I couldn't find it."

"Yes, you did look for it. I am not saying that you didn't try to find it. What I am saying though, is that you stopped trying when it wasn't easy. What I am also saying is that you didn't do some other tasks completely either, in order for us to have been in this situation today."

She looks real thoughtful for a moment.

"Perhaps what you didn't realize is that this very shoe has been a small test for you. I found it here in the kitchen where it didn't belong 5 days ago. For 5 days when I inspected the kitchen and told you the job was not done, I looked at that shoe and this mess on the kitchen floor still there. I can tell you without looking many of the items in that pile, because I have been looking at them all week."

"No, I didn't realize that until right now. I don't think I passed that test. Now I feel bad for my brother, because he could have gone if I had paid more attention this week, and he wouldn't have cried."

She apologized to her brother, and helped me out by mopping up the well swept floor for me. The mopping was part of a Safety Alert lesson in the kitchen in regards to the glass shards all over the floor. They all learned how to properly clean up and protect the danger area, and how far that area extends. That lesson led later into another discussion, because the glass breaker was story telling and left out how the glass came into the picture.

But you see, I was not angry about any of these events. I don't have to be angry, for the children to learn how to behave.  In fact, if I yell less, and teach to the heart more, these lessons will all last a life time. There are times for a raised voice, there are times for set consequences. Hard work never hurt anyone, and it takes work to repair the damage from poor choices. Anger is a choice, and sometimes, it is a struggle to snuff it out when it sparks up is firey head. That choice will pay off, every single time you choose to not be angry, but instead use the moment to teach a bigger lesson.

Problem solving is ineffective in anger. Communication is difficult in anger. Relationships are impossible to maintain when emotional storms are rampaging around over every little mishap. These little children of ours are people, very small people, who are still learning about everything about them, including how to handle the mistakes and fallicies of those around them. I want to see my children learn to handle things with grace, dignity, and  self control. The best way to teach that, is by modeling it myself.

~Misty

Some much needed renovations

Good Morning!! I am feeling well rested for the first time in quite a while. While I was busy with other things, my hunny went out and got us a bigger bed. With 2 little ones that just can't get through the night with out mom and dad, I was running out of space to sleep in my own spot!!

Yesterday, I spent all day cleaning and sorting and putting things away. It was a daunting task. The old bed went into the little girls' room, so that the littlest one might stay in her own gigantic bed all night long without falling out or bumping into something hard. They lost a lot of play space, but safety is a good thing. I'm sure they will figue out how to play on the bed.

By the time hunny was off work, I had everything ready to start assembling the frame. We were exhausted by the time it was all done, but the reward of a good night's sleep was a great motivator! The most wonderful part? All 3 little ones slept in their own beds last night, almost all night long!! I had one visitor for about 15 minutes, before she wanted back in her "own" bed. The right one, the comfy one... hehehe

Today is wet and rainy. This is a good thing, the land needs the moisture, as we have had a rather dry winter so far. Our normal January storms came in December, and we've had nothing since. Since it's rainy, we'll spend today doing studies, and prepping for Co Op on Friday. I love teaching this class, and this week, I want to see how high up the ladder they can climb. (Math Timed Tests in ladder fashion).  I have 1 child coming over to play at some point, I have TKD classes for the kids, and I need to call the Rescue Ranch to set up a time to start coming out and helping muck stalls. EEK! And a Pediatrics appointment in an hour! I guess we better get hopping!!

Peaceful Parenting Tip for today:

Speak with love, act with courtesy, and treat everyone around you with respect (as if they were honoured guests in your home). Strive for this all day, and see how it changes the atmosphere in your home.

If you slip, and find yourself hollering and frazzled, take a deep breath, step away from the situation and think about how you lost it. Plan how to get things back on track with kindness and love, and try again. All Day. You can do this.

Busy days, and short nights

I'll get back to my thoughts on peaceful parenting on another night. There is so much to think about in those 2 words. Things here have been busy with daily studies and classes, chores and outtings.

On Thursday, my oldest 3 were presented with their new belts at TKD. They started in November, and this was their first belt test. They are very excited about thier progress and proud of their hard work.

Hard work has been a theme here lately, as I am shifting the focus of their education from my constant nagging and reminding over to a self responcibility with visible accountability. I have given them each a binder filled with 1 month's worth of studies, broken down by subject and pages/lesson per day or week. After several days' went by, I called for a binder to inspect it. The child had done something in every subject, had over achieved in some and didn't get as much done in others. But looking at it, I could see that she was right on track for reaching her goals. She was so relieved to KNOW where she was at.

Ok. so Friday was 2 dermatology appointments, Co Op & Valentine's Party, and the kids' friend L over for the afternoon. I was up at 5 am, getting ready and waking children up to drive 35 minutes in the morning commuter traffic. We managed to get to the appointments 10 minutes early, get 2 children seen in 30 minutes (plus refill and amount adjustments), and get back acoss town (still in commuter traffic) with more then enough time to get the Co Op location ready for classes. *Whew* I'm exhausted thinking about it, and yet, I did all that on 3 hours sleep. The toddler is struggling with proper sleep times.

At Dermatology, we learned that *both* children not only got blessed with my faulty skin genes, they also got the extremely low blood pressure. I now have the numbers in hand, where before I had only suspicions. I added a pic of the stats.

Today we again got up early and whisked the kids off to Disney on Ice. We kept it a surprise, so we had wonder filled children. Little miss 6 wanted this for her daddy time, for the whole family. We all enjoyed it very much! I loved their set up, and multipurpose staging.

My hand is flaring up in pain. I cannot keep going to tell you about the fridge, or the clean path in the garage it inspired... good night.

Being a Parent

When a person thinks of being a parent, they think of holding a soft sweet baby, of warm squishy moments and all the wonderful ways that they can love the child or children. Becoming a parent is a wonderful thing. It changes everything about you, and teaches you so much about life and all the little things. Somewhere though, something got lost.

We forgot that the word "Being" in Being a Parent is a verb. It is an action word. You have to DO things, and everything you do matters. Our children are little video recorders. And everything they see and hear WILL be repeated again in the future. This is equally true for your good habits and traits as it is for your bad ones. They also see how we handle things, emotions, and unexpected interuptions. They see our actions, they hear our words, they are constantly cross checking the 2 and noticing how they line up (or don't). This too, they will mirror later, and possibly have to overcome.

Being a parent is doing the right thing, all the time. It is talking constantly to the child, and understanding how they think, and knowing how they will need guidence towards their goals. Being a parent is speaking kindly to them, even when you are frustrated and frazzled, even when you are repeating the last 5 things you said 50 times, even when they break the gravy bowl to that china set Nana gave you, even when you can't possibly understand what they are whining and stamping thier little feet about.

Being a parent is about asking the hard questions, setting reasonable boundries, and understanding how natural consequences can help you teach the lesson. Being a parent is modeling good manners, behavior, and even thought patterns out loud, so that the children knows how things should look. Being a parent is putting your foot down, taking a stand, and doing it with love and respect not degradation or veral spewing.

Being a parent isn't supposed to be easy. It is not about just being their friend, either. Yes, you do have to have a friendship, an active relationship with your children, but it shouldn't look like their peer to peer friendships. You are their first teacher, their mentor, their guide in this big, harsh, crazy world. You set the tone for the rest of their life.

Being a parent is about love, trust, respect, guidence, hard work, consistency, and dedication. It doesn't stop when they can drink from a cup. It doesn't stop when they can text their friends. It doesn't stop after they get their licence, or graduate high school. It doesn't stop. Ever.

You are always going to be the model and example of what ___ age is supposed to look like. How do you want their lives to look in 20 years? How can you set them on the path for that to happen? Do you realize, they too have to want this goal... so find out who they are, and where they are going... and build a WONDERFUL foundation for them to build upon.

"If I have to repeat myself one more time...."

... then I will do it kindly and with love. These little people running around my house are much like I was as a child. I was full of questions, curiosity, wonder, and energy. I know for a fact that I drove my mother nuts until I learned to keep my thoughts to myself, and yet, once I learned that skill, I had no-one to interupt those thoughts with facts and enlightenment.

I am enjoying these days with my children. Days where learning is happening with every blink, and often it is happening not for just one kid at a time, but all 5 gaining something from 1 shared experience. I might get frazzled and frustrated. I might have to save a blog post and let the child have my hard found quiet place so that she too, can think. I may even loose my temper on occasion, but my children all know that I love them dearly, and that I enjoy having them "underfoot".

Up until about 5 minutes ago, I had "liked" a page on FB. The page with a revolutionary idea on child rearing, a page promoting peaceful parenting and harmony in discipline (a very lack of discipline, really). They have some mind bending thoughts on parenting and I was enjoying the mental challenge of why Ido what I do. I thought I was doing some of it, and that I could learn quite a bit from them on making it work out for us too. I know I am not the only person in the world trying to find a more peaceful way to parent where kids learn responcibility and ethics and values without having physical punishment as the only rason to DO it all.

You see, there lis the problem. Someone who was trying to learn, asked a very legit question. I understood the question, the reasons, and WHAT that person was asking.

"How will my child become a good solid citizen with good work ethics, morals and everything I value, if I don't teach it the same way I learned it?" (The question is rephrased, obviously)

Instead of giving this person a very heartfelt and understanding answer, this person was made out to be a horrid abusing *person* who was setting thier children up for marital abuse and rape. REALLY???!!!???  I was dumbfounded by their attacks, blown away by their testimonies of demeaning scenarios and saddened by the hearts and hurts of their own inner children that didn't understand their own childhoods. They used this persons' question to let their pain and anguish out, and gave NO ANSWERS to the very real question of:

"How do you raise good people, nonabusively?"

I had to un-like the page. While the page creator has given me much to ponder, the allowed freedoms of their followers leaves too much verbal abuse and constant "troll hunts" and accusations for anyone wanting to peacefully learn something new. Kind of sad, really.

I think that as I have time, I will address this person's question, here on my blog, and I will pray that somehow, someday, they will find the answers they are looking for, given with thought, kindness, consideration, and respect.