Lessons in Life, Learned through Kittens

You learn so many things when you are sharing your home with various pets, and so do the children. We have a very busy house here, between the children and the pets. Since we took in the 3 abandoned kittens, it has been even more so. The children think it's odd, but I make them tend to all of the regular pets' needs before they are even allowed to go peek in at the kittens. They have to understand that 3 mouths is more work... and they won't understand that by forgetting to care for their pets while there are babies in the house.

The whole crew is learning patience. During the day, the kittens are busy napping, recharging their little bodies from their explorations and romps with each other. It's taken until about 4:30 for the little furballs to start creeping out the door that I left cracked open about 2 hours before. My excited little ones could barely contain themselves for the first 20 minutes, because i made everyone sit in the living room, and wait for the kittens to come out. I explained why to the older kids earlier today, and I remind them when they do something that I had told them not to do.

Grey female, slept in the water dish.

You see, cats are very smart creatures. Even if these kittens had never seen a little box before, they KNOW deep down what it is for. Within 36 hours of being here, we are about 12 hours mess free. They know to keep where they sleep clean, and to bury their business. Now that I know they all prefer the sand, I can crack the bathroom door, and let them explore out from there. It's their safe place, and their potty place, so they will run there for all their needs. We closed off the bedrooms, since there are too many hiding places in there, and we don't want that yet. They have spent the last 2 days listening to the sounds of the house, they have been introduced to the dogs, and to all of the children. We know which children need 100% supervision, and which ones can be sure to calm little frayed nerves.

One of the rules I gave the kids was that the kittens were to explore their way out their selves. No picking them up and cuddling them somewhere else. No digging them out to see them. Stay calm, quiet and slow. These little creatures are still in fight or flight mode, especially while they are exploring new territory. They don't know where to hide, and if they can't feel safe, they will strike out with teeth and claw. The stripey one is the most easily spooked, while the grey and black ones are still hissing, but half heartedly. They love the cuddles and pets, and have already been heard starting their motor boxes (purring).

Some of the questions the kids have asked are easy to answer, like "What do they eat?" or "Why is it purring?". Other questions are much harder to answer, like "Why are the kittens scared of us? We saved them" and "What breed of cat are they?" or my favorite "How come all the babies are so very different? Did they have different daddies?" Oh boy!

Stripey male, getting some cuddle time.

For the scared question, I turned it around a few different ways. First I took a picture of a child or 2, from the view of the kittens, at the child's feet. At first, the child would laugh, surprised by the sight of their HUGE body. I explained that baby cats are very small, and very low to the ground. I explained that this is what they see when we come near, and the faster we move, the scarier it is. I asked how they would feel if a 50 foot giant was rushing across the room and reaching for them. One sweet child's eyes widened as she ducked at the idea. "Well, that's how those baby kittens feel! If you knew that you have sharp nails, and sharp teeth, what would you do to that giant hand scooping you up?" I asked. I could see understanding click, as she told me that she would bite and kick and scratch to get away.

Then I added another thought to the mix, "Now, these kittens are about a month old. They were born somewhere, where their mother nursed them, and where they were already exploring and knew every person and smell. They got caught, put in a box, and then left in the hot sun for an unknown amount of time. I am sure they thought it was forever. Then someone came, and lots of voices and smells and hands and NO MOM. They have food, and love, and shelter, but they don't know us." Little blue eyes looked up at me and said "We're Strangers!!!" Yes. Bingo. WE are the strangers.

So we talked about how those kittens felt, and how we needed to show them that we are good strangers. That we would get them used to all kinds of cool new things, and then, when the kittens are bigger, we will find their forever homes. This news, of course, leads to squeals of protest, and big alligator tears "Momma, not the ____ one!! It's my favorite and I love it!" I now know how my own mother felt at least 50 times in my 18+ years in her home. LOL How she feels even today, when she saw the post on FB. So far, I have stood very firm on not allowing them to name the tiny kittens. I know they have names all picked out, but that's not how we name them either. They cannot be named unless they are staying, and I cannot rationalize 3 cats in this house. They can have their first name given to them by their forever homes, so there is no confusion later when they end up with a different name.

Looking back over the years, I can remember so many cute, fluffy kittens, scared and looking for love. I would love them, cuddle them, feed them, play with them. That little ball of fluff would be my best and only friend, and we had grand adventures, long talks, wonderful naps in a warm patch of sunshine. I remember getting a free kitten from around the neighborhood when I was about 9 or 10. I knew I couldn't have a kitten, but I was SURE that THIS tiny kitten could be very quiet and hide well. I took it home and made it a home hidden in my cupboard. I was so crushed when my mom found it, and I had to give it back and was in trouble too.

In fact, I had a flashback to that memory, when we got home from the store with this box of half dead abandoned kittens. As we pulled up into the drive, my 10 year old daughter thought the best way to get the kittens past Daddy, was to hide them in their room. Perhaps this is some instinctive desire, going all the way back to the cave days, when some little child just HAD to save that poor saber tooth and hide it in her bed of animal skins. I don't know, but I told them that hiding the kittens would be a bad path to take. They quietly slipped the kittens into the house and got them water and food while I brought in the groceries and talked to the intimidating Daddy.

It wasn't any easier than when I would try to talk to my mom (on the inside), but I got through it. You see, there is a right way and a wrong way to handle situations. As a kid, it was easy enough to find the wrong way to do things, even with the right intentions. Even as an adult, finding the right way is hard. It is one of those things that I want my own kids to know, how to see the big picture, and how to navigate unknown waters. Hiding the kittens would have been the worst way possible, where open honesty and a plan goes a long way. Being the mommy goes a long way too. *Grin*

Black Male, discovering the rabbit during supervised "out" time.

Toddler Stages: "Mine!"

Early this morning, while I was waking up, I was scrolling through my FB news feed, seeing what's happened since I went to bed. I know I am not alone in this morning ritual. I get my coffee, I check the weather and the calendar, turn off the morning alarm, and sit down to sip my steaming brew. It's easy enough to find myself "liking" several photos, articles, and various posts from my friends on the other side (country or world). If I get up early enough, I get to see the posts made in the late night hours from my Australian friends, and catch posts from Europe as they are shared. I enjoy this time, as my family is all still deep asleep, and I can just be.

This morning, I came across this gem:



We've all seen this, and laughed. We can easily identify with this, as we have ALL seen a 2 year old at one point or another. Sometimes, their understanding of their little world is so stinkin' cute! Unfortunately, some of us have also seen this mentality in grown adults. I can assure you, it is most definitely NOT cute at 15, 25, 45, or even 85!

Developmentally, the "mine" stage kicks in unprompted at about 16 months old. It can be earlier, it can be later, but rest assured, by 18 months they will have a FIRM grasp of what their possessions are. They are watching the world around them, and absorbing how it all worked. Perhaps Momma took the phone away with the words, "No, this is mine". It only takes one time of showing how 'mine' works, before you have a tiny possessive monster on your hands.

I wrote this, when I shared the meme:

"Yes, diffusing "mine" in toddlers and turning it into sharing and friendship is an uphill battle that must be won.

Adding an extra toddler into the mix, who is 6 months younger with no siblings brings the battle back, almost in instant replay. A little more than 1 month in, and I can honestly say, the end of the battle is in sight."

Then I realized that if I finished that train of thought on FB, I would have nothing to blog about. so I left the FB people hanging, and maybe even waiting to read what I am writing now. ;)

I watch a 17 month old little girl while her mother is working. Earlier in the blog, I named her Jumping Bean, and that name is going to stick for now. She has been with us for a little over a month, and has learned SO MUCH in the last month. She learned a few things before coming here, also. These things are what we struggle with on a daily basis sometimes, until she finally decides that it's easier to go play nice. This post is not about any of that though, just about "Mine!" battles.

My 2 yo loves her friend dearly, and looks for her and sometimes even cries for her when she is not here but there are times when she is so frustrated and mad too. She doesn't understand that Jumping Bean hasn't learned these hard lessons we just learned 6 months ago. Wild Boy doesn't understand that Jumping Bean is like him, curious, excited and full of energy. She wants to do everything he does, just like his little sister. Jumping Bean is always happy to come over, and curious to learn how to play like the other kids do. She can run the obstacle course like you wouldn't believe!!

As I said in my post on FB though, Jumping Bean has come a long way. One of the things I first noticed, was that everything in my house is "ours", and only the items in JB's diaper bag were truly HERS. She's 6 months behind Sarah in development, and in clothing sizes, so I have started her her own little dresser that I have filled with clothing for her to wear. Yes, she goes through 1-4 outfits in 9 hours. I have a backyard, and she is very active and curious. Did I mention FAST? I cleaned out the little girls' room last week, and pulled out a lot of the baby books and baby toys. I have 2 drawers in the living room dedicated to LR toys, and I am working on making the bottom drawer toys that Jumping Bean likes. The books went in a basket.

I defend all children equally here. I pay attention to who is playing with what toy with what toy, and I am already working on passing out duplicates of things to encourage good side by side and possibly interactive play. I have to keep things kinda fair, and yet the moment we have melt down and a tantrum happens all bets are off. Tantrums are not acceptable. I have taught many words and signs, I pay constant attention to baby body language and cues. I feed on demand, and I cuddle too. The basic needs are kept met, almost before the child needs it. I won't let any one child "take" from another, but I encourage them to share constantly.

Wild boy has learned to let the little girls play with the desired toy for a moment, because they only want it for a little bit, and then drop it and move on. He has learned to negotiate with them too. Instead of crying and screaming that a little one has taken his favorite flashlight, he now runs off and finds something that particular baby likes BETTER then what he had swiped from him. He kindly offers to trade them and happily bounces away with his prize. The baby girls see this kindness and sharing of belongings and self control of emotions, and learn to find ways to do the same. Jumping Bean and Flutters have been seen bringing drinks to each other, or retrieving favorite blankets for each other.

We still have battles. Some toys or joys will inspire the beginnings of WW3 if I am not present and on the ball. It is dangerous to my baby if things are yanked out of her hands, so I can have no lack of diligence on my part in this life lesson. Diffusing the situation, distraction, communication, and absolute boundaries WILL get your toddlers past this milestone in peer to peer interactions and friendships. It's our job to guide them through it, with kindness, love, and leadership.

Learning in the Dream Time

My son is very active.

I should rephrase that.

My only son is so full of energy, we could power the entire Western seaboard off him. The moment his eyes open, until the moment the finally drift closed, this boy is GOING. He is climbing, running, jumping, digging, swinging, sliding, exploring, peering, yelling, screaming, talking, walking, throwing, whirling, spinning and crouching. Just *thinking* about it is enough to make my head spin. He is 4 now. When he was 2, it left me in an exhausted puddle by son down, and I would be weeping upon son up. (I spelled that right, the boy was up before and after the sun)

Ok I think I have established that this boy is full of energy.

My son is also STRONG. He is built like a caveman, all muscles and no mind to pay attention, unless it interests him. As of yet, he is not one of my little intellectuals, but he is brilliant. At 18 months old, he could pull himself up and onto the 3.5 foot high trampoline. By 15 months, he had a toy screwdriver, and was accurately trying to dismantle the child gate so he could explore the buttons on the electronics.

So, last year, when he figured out how to walk up the trunk of the tree to hang out in the first set of branches, I wasn't surprised. He would hang out there for 20-30 minutes, before he would holler for someone to finally rescue him. FOr over a year now, he has been perfectly content to hang out right there, going no higher. (I'll come back to this.)

Wild boy is in the middle of a growth spurt. At this time last year, he was 40 inches tall. By July he was 42 inches tall. I can't find my measuring tape right now, but I assure you, he is about 44+ inches now!! Growth spurts mean a lot of eating and a lot of deep sleeping. To a boy who doesn't nap, it is frustratingly exhausting. When he sleeps, he sleeps DEEP. I can change his clothes, move him across the house, and even changed his diapers while he was sleeping if they needed it. This is good.

We process things in our sleep. Sleep Hypnosis is proof positive of that. While you dream and rest, your mind is being taught to do something differently. Even without hypnosis, our subconscious never sleeps. It is busy processing all those things that you saw, thought, said, and did each day. Sometimes, this can cause nightmares, especially if you've been around a lot of traumatic things in your life. Some days, you might wake up with new insight to a problem you've been dealing with, or you might have inspiration on how to rearrange the house for a better feel.

One thing I have noticed over the years, is that babies and children are sponges. They see and hear everything, and process it all constantly. You have seen this yourself. Your baby laying peaceful in bed, and suddenly they startle and scream, only to drift right back off. Or perhaps they start smiling and giggling at something in the dream time. You've seen it, even if you didn't realize it. I was astonished when I had been (unsuccessfully) teaching my baby something for a few weeks. After a while, I think, "maybe it's too soon" and I back off and move on to something else. Then one morning, out of no where, the baby looks at that activity, and DOES IT, right. *happy dance*

So after a year of hanging out in the tree, the other morning he woke up and did his morning things. We went out to water the garden, as the new routine requires. As I am turning on the hose, I see my son look up at the tree and beeline up it. I unrolled the hose and turned back around, and he is gone! Puzzled, since he can't get down yet, I start looking around. Not on the ground in a silent heap (WHEW) and not where he was expected. I look up, and see his toes 20 feet over my head!!!

I went about my garden work, wondering how we were going to handle it when he decided he was stuck, and had just decided to send my oldest up after him when it came time. I finished watering the garden, and turned off the water. By the time I had the hose rolled back up, he was in the crook of the tree like normal, asking to be taken down. It's been a week maybe since then? Well, yesterday, he got OUT OF THE TREE all by HIMSELF. No one showed him how. No body gave him the idea to go try it. He got it in his head, and then he did it. I am positive, he practiced it aplenty in the dream time, perfecting moves and plans before he even tried it awake.

Peaceful Parenting

Peaceful Parenting.
What do you think about when you hear these words?

Do you imagine the home in Leave it to Beaver, where the mom is happily preparing dinner and the closest to angry you ever see is this sad look of disappointment or worried surprise?

Do you imagine children that never get into trouble, or maybe children who never fight and bicker?

Perhaps instead, you see a parent quiet and patiently on top of all the chaos going on around them, gently guiding and teaching at all the right moments.

The first scenario is wonderfully heartwarming, and yet, if you ask anyone, it is not what their life looks like. Maybe here and there in brief glimpses, but not all day long. Especially since we did not get to see those 2 parents with toddlers and 5 year olds. I am sure they had some major parenting growth, before they became that peaceful and sure in their parenting. It is a great source of inspiration to me though.

The second scenario is unrealistic. No matter HOW you parent, children will test boundries (and the lack of them) often. People living together in the same household will have times they get on each others nerves, or get feisty and want to provoke a lively debate. The idea here is to teach respect, courtesy, and personal space, and give them the communication skills to talk things out, rather than accuse and defend.

The third scenario is an inspiration to watch in progress. The children learn about life hands on, with guidence. They look to their parents as their mentors, their masters (think apprenticeship, not slavery), they are able to learn several lessons at once, through things they themselves experience, and by watching what is going on with others around them. Natural consequences sometimes teach the same lesson that yelling and screaming and physical punishments just can't teach.

Natural consequences some times happen in the blink of an eye, and other times take many days to come to a head. In order for that to work though, a parent has to be patient. To allow for the "what happens if I don't" every now and then.  Then, when it does finally come about, the lesson is gently and kindly laid out in easy to understand steps. This is not easy, but it makes a deeper impression.

What might this look like? What example can I give you? Well, Just today was the Shoe Test.

A certain young lady, whom shall remain unnamed, has the responcibility of the Kitchen Zone right now. Her tasks require her to clean up the "kid mess" that finds it's way into the kitchen, to wash dishes, wipe the counters, and sweep up the floor. Her little brother has 2 pairs of shoes. So when I saw that a lost shoe was oddly located in the kitchen, I began a "Test". How long would that shoe remain in the kitchen before it is found and put away?

5 days later. A glass jar is shattered in the kitchen. (Someone else's Lesson) In cleaning the kitchen floor, I again come across the SHOE. You know, the shoe that we were looking for before another sister's doctor appointment, because the other pair is MIA. (I forgot in the chaos about the Test, but that didn't matter, because here comes the natural consequences part)

You see, I couldn't take a child in the rain to the doctor's office, with no shoes on. I had the young lady watch him at home while we went. He was VERY upset. So later, when the jar shattered and I was cleaning up the mess, I swept up a whole lot of other mess too, things that had not been gotten swept up in several days. I called her into the kitchen, and showed her the shoe. I told her how long it had been in the kitchen and where. I showed her the other mess too. I gently reminded her of the upset little brother.

"But I did look for his lost shoe." Her voice raised in her traditional defensive tone. "I looked in his room and the little girls room and I couldn't find it."

"Yes, you did look for it. I am not saying that you didn't try to find it. What I am saying though, is that you stopped trying when it wasn't easy. What I am also saying is that you didn't do some other tasks completely either, in order for us to have been in this situation today."

She looks real thoughtful for a moment.

"Perhaps what you didn't realize is that this very shoe has been a small test for you. I found it here in the kitchen where it didn't belong 5 days ago. For 5 days when I inspected the kitchen and told you the job was not done, I looked at that shoe and this mess on the kitchen floor still there. I can tell you without looking many of the items in that pile, because I have been looking at them all week."

"No, I didn't realize that until right now. I don't think I passed that test. Now I feel bad for my brother, because he could have gone if I had paid more attention this week, and he wouldn't have cried."

She apologized to her brother, and helped me out by mopping up the well swept floor for me. The mopping was part of a Safety Alert lesson in the kitchen in regards to the glass shards all over the floor. They all learned how to properly clean up and protect the danger area, and how far that area extends. That lesson led later into another discussion, because the glass breaker was story telling and left out how the glass came into the picture.

But you see, I was not angry about any of these events. I don't have to be angry, for the children to learn how to behave.  In fact, if I yell less, and teach to the heart more, these lessons will all last a life time. There are times for a raised voice, there are times for set consequences. Hard work never hurt anyone, and it takes work to repair the damage from poor choices. Anger is a choice, and sometimes, it is a struggle to snuff it out when it sparks up is firey head. That choice will pay off, every single time you choose to not be angry, but instead use the moment to teach a bigger lesson.

Problem solving is ineffective in anger. Communication is difficult in anger. Relationships are impossible to maintain when emotional storms are rampaging around over every little mishap. These little children of ours are people, very small people, who are still learning about everything about them, including how to handle the mistakes and fallicies of those around them. I want to see my children learn to handle things with grace, dignity, and  self control. The best way to teach that, is by modeling it myself.

~Misty

Being a Parent

When a person thinks of being a parent, they think of holding a soft sweet baby, of warm squishy moments and all the wonderful ways that they can love the child or children. Becoming a parent is a wonderful thing. It changes everything about you, and teaches you so much about life and all the little things. Somewhere though, something got lost.

We forgot that the word "Being" in Being a Parent is a verb. It is an action word. You have to DO things, and everything you do matters. Our children are little video recorders. And everything they see and hear WILL be repeated again in the future. This is equally true for your good habits and traits as it is for your bad ones. They also see how we handle things, emotions, and unexpected interuptions. They see our actions, they hear our words, they are constantly cross checking the 2 and noticing how they line up (or don't). This too, they will mirror later, and possibly have to overcome.

Being a parent is doing the right thing, all the time. It is talking constantly to the child, and understanding how they think, and knowing how they will need guidence towards their goals. Being a parent is speaking kindly to them, even when you are frustrated and frazzled, even when you are repeating the last 5 things you said 50 times, even when they break the gravy bowl to that china set Nana gave you, even when you can't possibly understand what they are whining and stamping thier little feet about.

Being a parent is about asking the hard questions, setting reasonable boundries, and understanding how natural consequences can help you teach the lesson. Being a parent is modeling good manners, behavior, and even thought patterns out loud, so that the children knows how things should look. Being a parent is putting your foot down, taking a stand, and doing it with love and respect not degradation or veral spewing.

Being a parent isn't supposed to be easy. It is not about just being their friend, either. Yes, you do have to have a friendship, an active relationship with your children, but it shouldn't look like their peer to peer friendships. You are their first teacher, their mentor, their guide in this big, harsh, crazy world. You set the tone for the rest of their life.

Being a parent is about love, trust, respect, guidence, hard work, consistency, and dedication. It doesn't stop when they can drink from a cup. It doesn't stop when they can text their friends. It doesn't stop after they get their licence, or graduate high school. It doesn't stop. Ever.

You are always going to be the model and example of what ___ age is supposed to look like. How do you want their lives to look in 20 years? How can you set them on the path for that to happen? Do you realize, they too have to want this goal... so find out who they are, and where they are going... and build a WONDERFUL foundation for them to build upon.

"If I have to repeat myself one more time...."

... then I will do it kindly and with love. These little people running around my house are much like I was as a child. I was full of questions, curiosity, wonder, and energy. I know for a fact that I drove my mother nuts until I learned to keep my thoughts to myself, and yet, once I learned that skill, I had no-one to interupt those thoughts with facts and enlightenment.

I am enjoying these days with my children. Days where learning is happening with every blink, and often it is happening not for just one kid at a time, but all 5 gaining something from 1 shared experience. I might get frazzled and frustrated. I might have to save a blog post and let the child have my hard found quiet place so that she too, can think. I may even loose my temper on occasion, but my children all know that I love them dearly, and that I enjoy having them "underfoot".

Up until about 5 minutes ago, I had "liked" a page on FB. The page with a revolutionary idea on child rearing, a page promoting peaceful parenting and harmony in discipline (a very lack of discipline, really). They have some mind bending thoughts on parenting and I was enjoying the mental challenge of why Ido what I do. I thought I was doing some of it, and that I could learn quite a bit from them on making it work out for us too. I know I am not the only person in the world trying to find a more peaceful way to parent where kids learn responcibility and ethics and values without having physical punishment as the only rason to DO it all.

You see, there lis the problem. Someone who was trying to learn, asked a very legit question. I understood the question, the reasons, and WHAT that person was asking.

"How will my child become a good solid citizen with good work ethics, morals and everything I value, if I don't teach it the same way I learned it?" (The question is rephrased, obviously)

Instead of giving this person a very heartfelt and understanding answer, this person was made out to be a horrid abusing *person* who was setting thier children up for marital abuse and rape. REALLY???!!!???  I was dumbfounded by their attacks, blown away by their testimonies of demeaning scenarios and saddened by the hearts and hurts of their own inner children that didn't understand their own childhoods. They used this persons' question to let their pain and anguish out, and gave NO ANSWERS to the very real question of:

"How do you raise good people, nonabusively?"

I had to un-like the page. While the page creator has given me much to ponder, the allowed freedoms of their followers leaves too much verbal abuse and constant "troll hunts" and accusations for anyone wanting to peacefully learn something new. Kind of sad, really.

I think that as I have time, I will address this person's question, here on my blog, and I will pray that somehow, someday, they will find the answers they are looking for, given with thought, kindness, consideration, and respect.