Toddler Stages: "Mine!"

Early this morning, while I was waking up, I was scrolling through my FB news feed, seeing what's happened since I went to bed. I know I am not alone in this morning ritual. I get my coffee, I check the weather and the calendar, turn off the morning alarm, and sit down to sip my steaming brew. It's easy enough to find myself "liking" several photos, articles, and various posts from my friends on the other side (country or world). If I get up early enough, I get to see the posts made in the late night hours from my Australian friends, and catch posts from Europe as they are shared. I enjoy this time, as my family is all still deep asleep, and I can just be.

This morning, I came across this gem:



We've all seen this, and laughed. We can easily identify with this, as we have ALL seen a 2 year old at one point or another. Sometimes, their understanding of their little world is so stinkin' cute! Unfortunately, some of us have also seen this mentality in grown adults. I can assure you, it is most definitely NOT cute at 15, 25, 45, or even 85!

Developmentally, the "mine" stage kicks in unprompted at about 16 months old. It can be earlier, it can be later, but rest assured, by 18 months they will have a FIRM grasp of what their possessions are. They are watching the world around them, and absorbing how it all worked. Perhaps Momma took the phone away with the words, "No, this is mine". It only takes one time of showing how 'mine' works, before you have a tiny possessive monster on your hands.

I wrote this, when I shared the meme:

"Yes, diffusing "mine" in toddlers and turning it into sharing and friendship is an uphill battle that must be won.

Adding an extra toddler into the mix, who is 6 months younger with no siblings brings the battle back, almost in instant replay. A little more than 1 month in, and I can honestly say, the end of the battle is in sight."

Then I realized that if I finished that train of thought on FB, I would have nothing to blog about. so I left the FB people hanging, and maybe even waiting to read what I am writing now. ;)

I watch a 17 month old little girl while her mother is working. Earlier in the blog, I named her Jumping Bean, and that name is going to stick for now. She has been with us for a little over a month, and has learned SO MUCH in the last month. She learned a few things before coming here, also. These things are what we struggle with on a daily basis sometimes, until she finally decides that it's easier to go play nice. This post is not about any of that though, just about "Mine!" battles.

My 2 yo loves her friend dearly, and looks for her and sometimes even cries for her when she is not here but there are times when she is so frustrated and mad too. She doesn't understand that Jumping Bean hasn't learned these hard lessons we just learned 6 months ago. Wild Boy doesn't understand that Jumping Bean is like him, curious, excited and full of energy. She wants to do everything he does, just like his little sister. Jumping Bean is always happy to come over, and curious to learn how to play like the other kids do. She can run the obstacle course like you wouldn't believe!!

As I said in my post on FB though, Jumping Bean has come a long way. One of the things I first noticed, was that everything in my house is "ours", and only the items in JB's diaper bag were truly HERS. She's 6 months behind Sarah in development, and in clothing sizes, so I have started her her own little dresser that I have filled with clothing for her to wear. Yes, she goes through 1-4 outfits in 9 hours. I have a backyard, and she is very active and curious. Did I mention FAST? I cleaned out the little girls' room last week, and pulled out a lot of the baby books and baby toys. I have 2 drawers in the living room dedicated to LR toys, and I am working on making the bottom drawer toys that Jumping Bean likes. The books went in a basket.

I defend all children equally here. I pay attention to who is playing with what toy with what toy, and I am already working on passing out duplicates of things to encourage good side by side and possibly interactive play. I have to keep things kinda fair, and yet the moment we have melt down and a tantrum happens all bets are off. Tantrums are not acceptable. I have taught many words and signs, I pay constant attention to baby body language and cues. I feed on demand, and I cuddle too. The basic needs are kept met, almost before the child needs it. I won't let any one child "take" from another, but I encourage them to share constantly.

Wild boy has learned to let the little girls play with the desired toy for a moment, because they only want it for a little bit, and then drop it and move on. He has learned to negotiate with them too. Instead of crying and screaming that a little one has taken his favorite flashlight, he now runs off and finds something that particular baby likes BETTER then what he had swiped from him. He kindly offers to trade them and happily bounces away with his prize. The baby girls see this kindness and sharing of belongings and self control of emotions, and learn to find ways to do the same. Jumping Bean and Flutters have been seen bringing drinks to each other, or retrieving favorite blankets for each other.

We still have battles. Some toys or joys will inspire the beginnings of WW3 if I am not present and on the ball. It is dangerous to my baby if things are yanked out of her hands, so I can have no lack of diligence on my part in this life lesson. Diffusing the situation, distraction, communication, and absolute boundaries WILL get your toddlers past this milestone in peer to peer interactions and friendships. It's our job to guide them through it, with kindness, love, and leadership.